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Now that I am 20 (nah it actually has nothing to do with my age), I feel I regard honesty even more than before. 

I would feel better if someone were to lie to me, or coat it with sugar and hid the truth, rather than facing and hearing the truth that would clearly hurt me and ruin my day. I hate heartbreaks, I mean IT HURTS and I can never control my expression. My lips would twitch, my eyes would burn with fire. I rather not know until the end, or know the truth later, a loooooot later when that truth is the least thing I care for.

But that was before.

Before I realised that not knowing why people left you, ghosted you, actually hurts a lot more that I thought it would.

Astaghfirullah. May Allah forgive me for everything wrong I did and was oblivious to.

daya

I have lots LOTS of assignment to complete in this break, but my mind can't even focus for 2 minutes ugh.

Damage was done, so I guess I am just gonna lament here. Again.

So amidst all these assignments and meeting deadlines, I have a story idea! Yes ofc it just have to be now out of all times. But it's just and idea, and I feel unmotivated to start. So let me share my drafts here. It might be boring but I guess it will get better once I'm fully immersed in writing the plot and everything.

So there's this girl. Oh why the mc isn't a guy? Honestly idk I feel like writing about a girl. It might change, who knows aight?

I don't have a name yet, but I'll call her Daya for now. I was aiming for an odd name that people would tease and made fun of. A bullied girl vibe, scarcely. But she did not got bullied for her name. Her name just got intertwined with her fate. The setting would be at school, ofc. But it wasn't an ordinary school. I was thinking, maybe a magic academy? Oh that would be cool. Maybe she was a trainee to be a mage? 

It might change, but the point is Daya has a dream she needs to achieve before she graduates.

But she was bullied, right? So that kinda made it hard for her, because her dream involves people. And being and outsider in her class did not help at all.

Then comes a guy. I kinda want to make this character a girl but I want to throw some element of romance, a bit? So yeah, a guy. Did not decide on name yet, but I am aiming for an exotic name. His skin is tanned so maybe names like Raphael or Raul? That kind of vibe, I guess? Anyways so this guy is supposed to be the best man ever. He has qualities of a man that every woman wants. He is handsome too with greenish eyes and dark, black hair. But... with a twist ofc.

He's coming for Daya. I am kinda hesitating whether I want to make them childhood friends or not, because if I want to throw the romance in I think it's gonna be a bit out of place. Omg but what if they forgot each other after separating ways? Hmm I will think about this but it's gonna be a bit complicated since I want to focus on Daya on not Raphael or Raul. However! Daya training to be a mage and her dream has something to do with her childhood too. It's a promise she made. Yo Daya's backstory <3 Just know that she's a strong girl, physically and mentally. She wouldn't endure all those bullying if she were weak, aight?

Anyways Raphael or Raul is somehow gonna stop the bullying but his help comes with a price. Honestly, I am a bit worried if I accidentally make the bullying the biggest hardship she experienced because tbh the bullying didn't do any damage on her. But I have to somehow make it hard for her to achieve her dream - well I feel bad but then the story's not going places. If I do come up with something better I would change the bullying thing in the story later.

Okay so since Daya's gonna graduate soon, she accepts his offer, but they agreed on a few conditions. Conditions that's gonna bite. Since they are in a magic academy, the conditions are sealed with magic. To gain trust, obviously. Hella things gonna happen once it's broken. They're both witty, so outwitting games gonna happen. I imagined it's gonna be like Death Note (if you guys watch it), but not thoroughly the same.

I also came up with an arc where they need to go for outdoors training. Sort of an internship. But I realised I have only decided on 2 main characters, so I need to come up with more supporting characters and an antagonist. Maybe two, we'll see about that.

Honestly idk how this is going to develop but I already decided on the ending xD Will not talk about this, why spoil the fun aight? 

It's sooo messy hahaha xD Maybe this story gonna take place in the 2000s? Yeah it's the modern era cause why not! And happened fully in a small city. Imaginary, small city to be precise. Only for the internship they are going to different places, depending on their specialties.

Oh may I have willpower to actually write about this.

maturing

 Sometimes when I read through all my drafts, I feel like I have changed a lot. A lot of things seem to have changed, and things that used to bother me doesn't bother me anymore

People said if you cringe looking at your past self, it means you have matured. Aha! Felt ambitious, but I don't really think I have matured. I mean like maturing in the way that a 20-year old girl would. I still got upset over small, petty things and got mad over the littlest thing.

But then our definitions of maturing differ from each other. So let's not adhere to other people's perspectives and expectations, shall we?

Anyways, I don't type with my index finger anymore! I mean not thoroughly, but I could feel my other fingers started to function pretty well and it's a good progress! Hehehe xD

1.17 a.m. thoughts

It's February already, January felt so long. Going through each week wears me out at times, but hey alhamdulillah! I am all and well. I'm happy with my life, everything's great. I have finished my first semester for degree last week, and I'm left with only a few assignments. 

Which is great. I can't wait to finally finish everything and curl back into my safe place. Doing what I love, and maybe start learning how to sew? There's someone on tiktok who taught herself  how to sew, and I'm beyond impressed. Maybe I should learn. 

And I want to learn typing with all fingers too! I keep typing with only my index finger and it's tiring! I  definitely should practice.

Oh maybe if I have time. Recently my friend got me a job as a tutor at this one centre. May Allah bless her. But it's only once a week since I will be tutoring only one class. I'm nervous as heck, but my mom always tells me that I can be good teacher, that I have talent to do that.

I mean... I hope so.

Okay let's do a January review (suddenly?)

January is.. so-so I guess? Nothing much happened. It's just that since my first semester ended, I felt grateful for everyone that keep me company throughout. I thought I was gonna be alone for the whole semester, since I thought I don't have any acquaintance in my course, but alhamdulillah, syukur to Allah and His blessings. He made it easier for me.

I also do self-reflection a lot, especially before sleep and maybe that's why I can't sleep.

Ok maybe that's all. May Allah ease everything for us.

it passed and I'm starting

2020 was a year filled with new experience, new online colleagues, new routine and many more! Though it feels short, because of Covid-19 and I spent most of my time at home, 2020 is still a year that I can ponder about.

I thought I would be somewhere I wasn't familiar with, but instead I am at where I'm the most comfortable. I'm surrounded by my family and people I fancy with. I got connected with my childhood friends. I got to meet my schoolmates too around mid July. I met many great people, and got inspired from many! I started writing and journaling this year, and it helped me a lot.

Somehow all these little things made me feel content. Because I don't know if this is possible in the future. Now that I'm a year older, I have more works to do, and more things to focus on. 

Cheers to many more memories in 2021!

On the darker side, my mental health got tested this year. I was stressed, depressed. I hated myself. Surviving every single day was hard, and I have trouble sleeping at night. But hey, Alhamdulillah for these tests. I thought I had it worst, but I managed to stand on my feet back again. 

Some relationship of mine got disconnected this year, all for a reason that now I'm trying to improve. I have so many goals for 2021, and one of them is to improve myself even more. 

I'm gonna love people who love me, who takes me seriously. I'm gonna focus on myself, and only do good to others. 

Oh 2021, please offer me only wonderment! Road to a better me, in shaa Allah <3