truly, really.

 things that made me sad today:

1. I got told off for something due to miscommunication. My true intention was pure (of course I know it's MY intention) but they assume things, so there it goes. I dislike being assumed of things I never thought of. They thought I lied because I lied about certain things, but seriously? Would I lie about things I genuinely feel about?

2. I've been craving for ayam gepuk for like, ages. Suddenly today my friends went to ayam gepuk, the very day I'm not together with them.

3. I despise being compared. Being told that my progress aren't enough compared to my mates is just... awful. 

4. I also despise double standard. Bias. Am I that bad? Why do I feel like I am troubling someone who are supposed to do their job. Or is it me who acted too indifferently?

5. I realised I truly, really don't have any true friends. All my friends are either jealous of me, befriend me because I am convenient or secretly dislike me but talk to me anyways.

Ah.

Now I feel better.

hypocrite

I can seem to never understand why my heart broke over something that I shouldn't have cared. I realize where I stand among my friends, and how they perceive me as, yet again & again, my heart broke over trivial reasons that it drives me mad.

They sad we ached over thing we care, we felt sad over things we love, that failed us unimaginably, but I told my heart again & again, "How long will you keep hurting? It's time to move on."

The moving on part, was of course, hard to happen. 

Why should I care about those who broke my heart again & again. Why do I keep coming back for them? They distrust me, dislike me, told things behind my back, so why do I keep smiling and talking, hoping they would treat me okay?

This selfishness and hypocrisy of mine in the end, will only hurt me.

And look where I am now.

Hurt, and vulnerable.

the day

On the day I weep and cry,

losing all hope in life and gone,

you were there.

You were there,

giving me strength,

drive and spirit.

You were there,

assuring me to fly,

trot and run.

You were there,

All warm and smiles.

All tender and delicate.

So not only on the day

I weep and cry,

I shall remember You too,

on the day I bounce 

and walk on cloud nine.

- submitted for a competition -

twenty twenty-three

I have some time to spare today so shall I update this dusty workplace I have here? I usually write new entries for the new year but honestly, it slipped my mind. 2022 ended vaguely for me, because I don't even remember what happen before the all the clock hands pointed north and the digital clock strike 0000.

Oh but now that I am recalling what I did... I actually have a pretty decent wrapped up for 2022.

Except I slept early that night due to fatigue of exploring the bustling city with my friends. 

That day was filled with memories, despite it shattered my heart a bit. 

Maybe by a bit, I actually mean it changed my expectations for 2023.

But experience made you learn, and dramatic banter made you realize.

As old as I am, I am still that childish girl hoping everyone can cater to my foolishness, my dumbest desires.

As mature as I aspire to be, maybe I am still 18 at heart, hoping I might finally have someone I can comfortably open up and pour my feelings.

I think I am just lonely.

Now that this took a pretty indecent turn, I shall resort to tell my resolutions for 2023 🤣

Finally step up my game and be more responsible towards my life.

Be worthy of the age I am now since I will never be this age next year anymore.

Slow down my volume and speak modestly so my overthinking heart will not be conscious of that anymore.

Improve my soft skills, like for real.

Read the room and readjust, shift and change or leave.

Realize that people can dislike me, because I can dislike them too for the same reason.

⭐ But I shall treat people with respect, first and foremost.

Do my best for my final year project and plan my future. Earnestly.

Create memories as many as I could, since I cannot risk regretting my university life, anymore.

Honestly, now that we are talking about uni, I have so many regrets.

I hate how people complimented me, saying I was this and that, yet I feel like a lost dog sometimes.

I despise how my stomach hurl every time I was not what people said, and yet was branded as a humble bragger when all I did was defending myself from expectations.

I loathe expectations. I hate how my mind want to achieve things, how my heart want to be recognized yet I feel like I need to meet people's expectations and ruin everything.

Maybe I should also jot this down.

Know that I do not need to meet the expectations people had of me.

I feel like my mind is having a trip down a memory I do not want to remember, so I shall stop here.

Recently I found joy in binging k-dramas (like an 18 y/o I was) and I had to beg my heart not to get attached too much. Obviously the begging did not work, because the heart always get what it wants. Will talk about this next time, I promise.

May 2023 is filled with happiness and blessings! <3

i brought this upon myself

 Honestly, this week of the year feels the most heart-wrenching. I feel so alone, this loneliness almost wrapped me whole like the blanket I covered myself when the weather is too cold. It's Christmas, and I'm stuck here like a trapped bird in a golden cage, feeling remorseful of not buying a ticket back home and see my parents' face. And my family's.

I know it's temporary - this feeling - but still, it made me sad and cannot function for the whole weekend. This loneliness had fueled me enough that I'm here lamenting and crying and feeling unwanted.

I have an assignment due today, which I only started it today. How can I missed the due date? I thought the due date was in like another few weeks. I am never like this, so I could feel the stress piling higher and higher it almost collapse. The environment here doesn't even help one bit. I just feel... sigh.

But can I blame anybody other than my own clumsy being?

I brought this upon myself.

I brought this upon myself.

I brought this upon myself.