I talk too much

It is late at night, and somehow, I started to muhasabah my own self. I must've been annoying today, am I ? I swear I talked too much today. I think everyone must've thought that I'm such an attention seeker, or a clout chaser. Oh I shouldn't say that to her ! Why did I acted like that, I must've been crazy !

All these thoughts just keep crossing in my mind, and I can't sleep at all. Why did I keep regretting everything that happens, but end up doing the same thing all over again ? I hate myself for not changing. I hate myself for being me.

But from all things, I know I shouldn't talk too much. Because words are like swords, it can kills if we sway it wrong. Just how many times I messed up just because of how talkative I am ? 

Maybe it's time for a change. Though changing is hard, I hope I can.

2020

Hi everyone. First post in 2020 ! Ma shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah, though things get hard sometimes, I manage to overcome almost everything, slowly but surely. Truthfully, I knew 2020 is going to be tough. After all now I'm 19, my inner feelings and inner self sometimes get out of control. 

My heart sometimes get crushed over things I thought I have moved on about. 

My mind sometimes get confused over things I thought I have made myself clear.

At times, I'm overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow, but alhamdulillah, it didn't stop me from waking up every day, meeting people, smiling, make hambar jokes and getting all worked up. I don't regret being me. I mean, if I were someone else, I would want to be me too hehe.

Despite that, I love the life I'm living in. As I get older, I realised that my past really mould who am I today. Thanks to Allah, He knows me better, so He let me went through hardships first to make me even stronger to face challenges I'm facing today and afterwards. 

I also love the people I met. Though sometimes negative thoughts engulfed me more than positive vibes does, the energy everyone is giving me is quite overwhelming. Not a single person doesn't teach me goodness, and I learn a lot from them. 

The greatest person I may not be, but I'm still improving and learning to become better and better, in shaa Allah.

Alhamdulillah for every blessings.

[STORY] Book

It was 8 o'clock in the morning and the market was at its best. The alley was filled with a cacophony of sounds; a seller promoting his items, the sound of baby crying, the sound of people arguing over little things - it was deafening.

But all those sounds didn't budge Mark at all. Mark walked through the alley and sat on a wooden bench situated at the end of the alley, facing the sea. He fished a book from his bag and calmly read it. It was his favourite book, Ways to Live Forever by Sally Nicholls. He had been reading it for the umpteenth time. Call him lame, he didn't care at all.

After all, that was his mother's last present for him. He valued it dearly as if his life depends on that book.

"Hey, Mark !" bellowed a tall, slender man as he patted Mark's left shoulder. He startled. " I knew I would see you here," he continued.

Mark sighed deeply. "It's still early, Dan. Could you please not disturb me this early?" he lamented glumly.

Daniel smirked. "Too bad, I can't," he replied cheekily - Mark knew it - as he snatched the book that Mark was reading.

"Ugh, this book again? Come on, Mark. You've been reading this for like ages," he complained. "I'll buy you a new book."

Mark gave him a deathly glare. "I refused," Mark said as he tried to grab his book from Daniel's hands, but he just wouldn't give him the book back. "Let go," Mark said firmly.

"Let's go eat breakfast," he said as he gave Mark his book back. "I've been wanting to eat at this particular place."

Mark didn't reply him. Instead, he got up and walked away; a sign that he refused his offer. Daniel grinned, quickly grab his arm and blocked his way.

"It's my treat," he claimed as he brought Mark to his car. "I knew you walk here. So let's go by my car. It's faster."

Mark sighed. "You just wouldn't give up, won't you?" he said as he entered Daniel's car. A few moments later, the black Audi car was already moving on the road.

It took less than 10 minutes to reach Beau Bistro; the place Daniel suggested. It looked fancy from the outside and the price too was too fancy for Mark - even a plate of french toast cost more than his daily expenses.

"Mark," Daniel initiated a conversation after the waitress had taken their orders. "I've been wondering this for a while but why did you carry that book everywhere?" he asked while pointing at Mark's bag.

"It's from my mom," he answered curtly.

"Fuh, what do I even expect," he whispered to himself but it was loud enough for Mark to hear it.

"Well we are not even that close. Why bother?" he asked, as he crossed her legs, looking into Daniel's green eyes.

"Not even that close?" he blurted, feeling upset. "Well, guess who helped you when you were involved in an accident? Who saved you from the gangsters the other day? Who taught you Mathematics?" he inquired.

Mark's face changed. "You," his voice lowered. "So? Are you saying we are not even that close?" Daniel mocked, feeling frustrated.

"Excuse me," said the waitress as she served their breakfast. Upon saying thanks, suddenly the atmosphere between them became awkward. The silence filled in, as if the clock stopped ticking and the whole world froze.

"I was 10 when everything happened. She left me with that book, along with my twin brother. But we were separated not long after that. So I'm looking for him," Mark muttered, but thanks to Daniel's sharp ears, he could hear it vividly.

"I didn't know you have a twin,"

"But we are not identical. That's why he is hard to find."

"So, that book?" Daniel inquired.

"He had the last page, signed with my mom's signature and our picture."

Daniel raised his right eyebrow. "I see," Daniel said as he ate his breakfast; freshly cooked sausages with crispy bread and soup."So you are searching for him? At the moment?"

Mark nodded as he lazily ate his meal. But as he heard what Daniel have got to say, he was dumbfounded.

"You mean you know where he is?"

Daniel shot him a sad look, as he nodded and say, "Forget your classes. We need to go somewhere."

They finished their breakfast and rode Daniel's car. Along the journey, Mark felt nervous for no reason. 'Will I meet my brother? Finally?' he wondered to himself.

Mark was lost in thoughts until Daniel patted her shoulder, a sign to tell him that they had arrived. Mark looked around, and he knitted his eyebrows in confusion.

"Why.. why..," Mark couldn't finished his sentence. The trees swayed swiftly as the wind blew. The birds were flying in unison, but there were no chirps at all. It was as if the place was deserted, but the truth is, it wasn't. The soul buried here was living in Mark's heart, and Daniel's too.

"I know it's hard to face it, but there he is," Daniel said in agony. He tried his best not to shed any tears in front of Mark, because he knew how saddening this was fact for him.

Mark fell on the ground. Tears trickled down his cheeks. His heart shattered. After all these years, he had finally found him. For a few minutes, he just cried and cried, and Daniel couldn't help but cried with him as well.

"If only I knew he was searching for you, I would've help him. I would've taken him seriously," he regretted.

"No, it's okay. It's okay. I'll let him go," Mark whimpered.

"Rest in peace, brother," he said as he put the book beside his grave.

[STORY] Coincidence ?

"Finish her..," 

Sana woke up from her sleep, gasping for air. She breathed heavily, feeling exhausted as ever.

"What's wrong?" asked Amanda. She was half-asleep, probably woke up due to sudden movement beside her. "Having nightmares?" she asked, feeling antsy. It was not the first time she witnessed this scene. It's just, she don't know why because Sana never told her.

"I... I'm okay. Don't worry," she replied, as usual. "You sure, dear?"

Sana nodded. 'Not yet, Amanda. Not yet. I'm sorry,' her heart whispered. "Let's sleep." she said, while pulling her pink blanket, covering their bodies.

It's morning again. It was still early; the reason why there was no trace of sun at all. Sana glanced at the clock on the wall. 7.00 a.m. She left her bed, preparing to take a bath. Suddenly, she heard a rattling sound downstairs. 'What is that?' she asked herself. She went out from her room, and walked downstairs. Her nose sensed delicious smell lingering the house.

"Morning, Sana!" greeted Amanda, when she saw Sana's figure walking towards the kitchen.

"It's still early, and I'm impressed. Did something possessed you? Are you even Amanda?" Sana asked cheekily, trying to brighten the morning.

"I'm not possessed, and I am indeed Amanda Lee, miss," Amanda joked as well.

"Anyway, what with the sudden change?" Sana asked, even though she knew that if Amanda miraculously woke up early and prepared breakfast, she was in a pretty good mood.

"Well, the weather was nice, and I am just feeling good," Amanda grinned. The smell of the freshly cooked sausages seduced Sana, making her feeling hungry out of sudden "Okay, whatever. I'm hungry. Can I eat these?" she asked, while pointing to the sausages.

"Just a piece okay. Don't stuff your belly too much."

"Why?" she inquired, while eating a piece of sausage.

"Well, we are going on a picnic today!"

She stopped chewing. She was at loss for words, and her heartbeat thumped twice as faster than usual. She was startled.

"Why.. why out of sudden?" she stuttered.

"Why not? It's been ages since we went out and enjoy ourselves. We can go for a picnic, head to the arcade and watch the sunset together," she replied happily. Sana could trace a bit of happiness in Amanda's words. But, she couldn't be happy if her life was at stake. Her face turned pale - a mere sign that she was terrified.

"Why? I thought you liked picnic? Come on!" Amanda cheered, nudging Sana's arm, making her realised that she couldn't escape.

"I.. I should get ready," she excused herself. "Yeah, we will be going at 9," she shrieked.

'I hope everything would be alright,' she whispered solemnly.

///

"Isn't it good? Look at the weather!" Amanda exclaimed, trying to break the silence in the car. Sana, who was too busy with her thoughts, finally peered through the window. Amanda was right. The weather was extremely beautiful. The sky was as blue as the vast sea, the trees were swaying, following the rhythm of the wind. Not forgetting the fluffy clouds that were hanging freely on the sky, creating a breathtaking scenery to look at. It was magnificent and for a split second, Sana's heart and mind was at ease.

"It is," she grinned helplessly.

"We're here!" Amanda shouted.

Amanda and Sana put a mat on the grass and prepared the foods and stuff. They talked about the good old times, and laughed at their own jokes. They have a good time, just like Amanda expected, and Sana started to feel less worry. Memories created, and they never felt as happy as today.

"It's almost noon. We should pack our stuff before it's getting hotter," Amanda implied, and they started to clean their stuffs.

"Em, hi," a man greeted them. He was wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of beige shorts. He was good-looking, but somehow suspicious.

"Yes?" Amanda replied.

"I'm sorry but I was wondering if there were any nearby store here? I need to grab some stuff," he explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry but the closest one was about 20 km away."

"I'm done for," he whispered to himself, but was loud enough to be heard by both of them. "Well, is there any way I can go there?"

"I'm sorry again but I don't think so, sir,"

He sighed. "Okay then, thank you miss.

He was about to walk away, but Amanda suddenly called him. "Um, we could give you a lift, I guess. Right, Sana?"

Sana - had been quiet all this time - was shocked. She knitted her eyebrows, feeling weird. "He is a stranger, Amanda. Are you mad?" she whispered in Amanda's ear. "But he is helpless right now, right? We should help him," Amanda defended her actions. "But still, we barely know him," she replied, still whispering. "I thought you loved helping people. What's wrong?" Amanda inquired.

Sana sighed. "I'm sorry, sir but I need to talk to my friend for a minute," Sana politely excused themselves.

"Look, Amanda. He is a freaking stranger. We don't know if he is a nice man."

"He looked nice to me," Amanda replied curtly.

"Amanda!" she cried in frustration. "I think I'm going crazy. I'm scared right now okay! What if he kills us? What if he is a murderer?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look. I've been having nightmares lately. I was murdered by someone! In this same park, while picnicking with you. I remembered it all vividly. That's why! I'm scared right now, Amanda. I'm scared," Sana ranted her heart out. She almost cried. Amanda was shook.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier, Sana? I'm sorry dear, you must've been scared all these time." Amanda soothed her. "I understand. We should go," she said firmly. "You stay here."

Amanda walked towards the man, probably saying stuff like 'sorry, we couldn't help you, we are in a hurry, see you later.'

It doesn't matter, as long as they are leaving.

"Let's go home," Amanda said as she approached her with their belongings and went to the car.

"You should rest, Sana. You look pale. I'll wake you up when we reached home," Amanda shot her a worry look.

Sana was relieved. She felt safe with Amanda. "Thank you, Amanda," she said slowly and within a  few seconds, she fell asleep.

"Sana, we're here."

Half-asleep, she went out from the car. To her surprise, she felt a sudden knock right on her head. She fell on the ground.

"A.. Amanda.." with all her might, she tried to stand up but he was kicked from behind, making her fell again. She struggled to look up, and she saw a tall, slender figure. It was the man from before. That suspicious man. He was holding a club.

"A.. Amanda... Help.. Help me.." her voice cracked. She had no more energy and she couldn't feel her legs. She felt numb.

"Looking for me?"

She knew that voice. She knew that Amanda would help her. Sana tilted head, looking for Amanda. She was relieved, but that relief didn't last long.

Amanda was smiling wickedly.

"If only that dream of yours doesn't exist, it would have been perfect," Amanda said cynically.

"Finish her."

Unwind

Aku rasa aku dah hilang bakat menulis.

Ataupun sebenarnya, aku memang tak reti menulis.

Tapi, apa yang aku tahu, 

bila aku menulis, the pain is getting deeper and deeper and suddenly, I am living in the same pain, once again.

And I hate that feeling. So bad.

Maybe I am scared, or maybe I'm just creating reasons to stop, or maybe,

I need to stop.