Past.

Today, I did a lot of reflection. What did I do, why did I do that etc etc. Everything is everywhere in my mind and I hate it when my mind started to have negative thoughts. 

I am changing, towards the better, but I guess the past me will always be unforgettable for some people. 

O Rain;

I wish the rain can wash away many things.

I wish it can wash away all the negativity that is in me,

just like how the rain pours, cleansing the adulterated earth.

I talk too much

It is late at night, and somehow, I started to muhasabah my own self. I must've been annoying today, am I ? I swear I talked too much today. I think everyone must've thought that I'm such an attention seeker, or a clout chaser. Oh I shouldn't say that to her ! Why did I acted like that, I must've been crazy !

All these thoughts just keep crossing in my mind, and I can't sleep at all. Why did I keep regretting everything that happens, but end up doing the same thing all over again ? I hate myself for not changing. I hate myself for being me.

But from all things, I know I shouldn't talk too much. Because words are like swords, it can kills if we sway it wrong. Just how many times I messed up just because of how talkative I am ? 

Maybe it's time for a change. Though changing is hard, I hope I can.

2020

Hi everyone. First post in 2020 ! Ma shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah, though things get hard sometimes, I manage to overcome almost everything, slowly but surely. Truthfully, I knew 2020 is going to be tough. After all now I'm 19, my inner feelings and inner self sometimes get out of control. 

My heart sometimes get crushed over things I thought I have moved on about. 

My mind sometimes get confused over things I thought I have made myself clear.

At times, I'm overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow, but alhamdulillah, it didn't stop me from waking up every day, meeting people, smiling, make hambar jokes and getting all worked up. I don't regret being me. I mean, if I were someone else, I would want to be me too hehe.

Despite that, I love the life I'm living in. As I get older, I realised that my past really mould who am I today. Thanks to Allah, He knows me better, so He let me went through hardships first to make me even stronger to face challenges I'm facing today and afterwards. 

I also love the people I met. Though sometimes negative thoughts engulfed me more than positive vibes does, the energy everyone is giving me is quite overwhelming. Not a single person doesn't teach me goodness, and I learn a lot from them. 

The greatest person I may not be, but I'm still improving and learning to become better and better, in shaa Allah.

Alhamdulillah for every blessings.

[STORY] Book

It was 8 o'clock in the morning and the market was at its best. The alley was filled with a cacophony of sounds; a seller promoting his items, the sound of baby crying, the sound of people arguing over little things - it was deafening.

But all those sounds didn't budge Mark at all. Mark walked through the alley and sat on a wooden bench situated at the end of the alley, facing the sea. He fished a book from his bag and calmly read it. It was his favourite book, Ways to Live Forever by Sally Nicholls. He had been reading it for the umpteenth time. Call him lame, he didn't care at all.

After all, that was his mother's last present for him. He valued it dearly as if his life depends on that book.

"Hey, Mark !" bellowed a tall, slender man as he patted Mark's left shoulder. He startled. " I knew I would see you here," he continued.

Mark sighed deeply. "It's still early, Dan. Could you please not disturb me this early?" he lamented glumly.

Daniel smirked. "Too bad, I can't," he replied cheekily - Mark knew it - as he snatched the book that Mark was reading.

"Ugh, this book again? Come on, Mark. You've been reading this for like ages," he complained. "I'll buy you a new book."

Mark gave him a deathly glare. "I refused," Mark said as he tried to grab his book from Daniel's hands, but he just wouldn't give him the book back. "Let go," Mark said firmly.

"Let's go eat breakfast," he said as he gave Mark his book back. "I've been wanting to eat at this particular place."

Mark didn't reply him. Instead, he got up and walked away; a sign that he refused his offer. Daniel grinned, quickly grab his arm and blocked his way.

"It's my treat," he claimed as he brought Mark to his car. "I knew you walk here. So let's go by my car. It's faster."

Mark sighed. "You just wouldn't give up, won't you?" he said as he entered Daniel's car. A few moments later, the black Audi car was already moving on the road.

It took less than 10 minutes to reach Beau Bistro; the place Daniel suggested. It looked fancy from the outside and the price too was too fancy for Mark - even a plate of french toast cost more than his daily expenses.

"Mark," Daniel initiated a conversation after the waitress had taken their orders. "I've been wondering this for a while but why did you carry that book everywhere?" he asked while pointing at Mark's bag.

"It's from my mom," he answered curtly.

"Fuh, what do I even expect," he whispered to himself but it was loud enough for Mark to hear it.

"Well we are not even that close. Why bother?" he asked, as he crossed her legs, looking into Daniel's green eyes.

"Not even that close?" he blurted, feeling upset. "Well, guess who helped you when you were involved in an accident? Who saved you from the gangsters the other day? Who taught you Mathematics?" he inquired.

Mark's face changed. "You," his voice lowered. "So? Are you saying we are not even that close?" Daniel mocked, feeling frustrated.

"Excuse me," said the waitress as she served their breakfast. Upon saying thanks, suddenly the atmosphere between them became awkward. The silence filled in, as if the clock stopped ticking and the whole world froze.

"I was 10 when everything happened. She left me with that book, along with my twin brother. But we were separated not long after that. So I'm looking for him," Mark muttered, but thanks to Daniel's sharp ears, he could hear it vividly.

"I didn't know you have a twin,"

"But we are not identical. That's why he is hard to find."

"So, that book?" Daniel inquired.

"He had the last page, signed with my mom's signature and our picture."

Daniel raised his right eyebrow. "I see," Daniel said as he ate his breakfast; freshly cooked sausages with crispy bread and soup."So you are searching for him? At the moment?"

Mark nodded as he lazily ate his meal. But as he heard what Daniel have got to say, he was dumbfounded.

"You mean you know where he is?"

Daniel shot him a sad look, as he nodded and say, "Forget your classes. We need to go somewhere."

They finished their breakfast and rode Daniel's car. Along the journey, Mark felt nervous for no reason. 'Will I meet my brother? Finally?' he wondered to himself.

Mark was lost in thoughts until Daniel patted her shoulder, a sign to tell him that they had arrived. Mark looked around, and he knitted his eyebrows in confusion.

"Why.. why..," Mark couldn't finished his sentence. The trees swayed swiftly as the wind blew. The birds were flying in unison, but there were no chirps at all. It was as if the place was deserted, but the truth is, it wasn't. The soul buried here was living in Mark's heart, and Daniel's too.

"I know it's hard to face it, but there he is," Daniel said in agony. He tried his best not to shed any tears in front of Mark, because he knew how saddening this was fact for him.

Mark fell on the ground. Tears trickled down his cheeks. His heart shattered. After all these years, he had finally found him. For a few minutes, he just cried and cried, and Daniel couldn't help but cried with him as well.

"If only I knew he was searching for you, I would've help him. I would've taken him seriously," he regretted.

"No, it's okay. It's okay. I'll let him go," Mark whimpered.

"Rest in peace, brother," he said as he put the book beside his grave.