dreams and hopes

I dreamed for a better world,

but the world despised me.

Or should I say,

the better world was never for me 

at first.

Therefore,

I hoped for a better me;

stronger and bolder,

smarter and happier.

So I could change the world

beyond what I dreamed of.

Past.

Today, I did a lot of reflection. What did I do, why did I do that etc etc. Everything is everywhere in my mind and I hate it when my mind started to have negative thoughts. 

I am changing, towards the better, but I guess the past me will always be unforgettable for some people. 

O Rain;

I wish the rain can wash away many things.

I wish it can wash away all the negativity that is in me,

just like how the rain pours, cleansing the adulterated earth.

I talk too much

It is late at night, and somehow, I started to muhasabah my own self. I must've been annoying today, am I ? I swear I talked too much today. I think everyone must've thought that I'm such an attention seeker, or a clout chaser. Oh I shouldn't say that to her ! Why did I acted like that, I must've been crazy !

All these thoughts just keep crossing in my mind, and I can't sleep at all. Why did I keep regretting everything that happens, but end up doing the same thing all over again ? I hate myself for not changing. I hate myself for being me.

But from all things, I know I shouldn't talk too much. Because words are like swords, it can kills if we sway it wrong. Just how many times I messed up just because of how talkative I am ? 

Maybe it's time for a change. Though changing is hard, I hope I can.

2020

Hi everyone. First post in 2020 ! Ma shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah, though things get hard sometimes, I manage to overcome almost everything, slowly but surely. Truthfully, I knew 2020 is going to be tough. After all now I'm 19, my inner feelings and inner self sometimes get out of control. 

My heart sometimes get crushed over things I thought I have moved on about. 

My mind sometimes get confused over things I thought I have made myself clear.

At times, I'm overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow, but alhamdulillah, it didn't stop me from waking up every day, meeting people, smiling, make hambar jokes and getting all worked up. I don't regret being me. I mean, if I were someone else, I would want to be me too hehe.

Despite that, I love the life I'm living in. As I get older, I realised that my past really mould who am I today. Thanks to Allah, He knows me better, so He let me went through hardships first to make me even stronger to face challenges I'm facing today and afterwards. 

I also love the people I met. Though sometimes negative thoughts engulfed me more than positive vibes does, the energy everyone is giving me is quite overwhelming. Not a single person doesn't teach me goodness, and I learn a lot from them. 

The greatest person I may not be, but I'm still improving and learning to become better and better, in shaa Allah.

Alhamdulillah for every blessings.