it passed and I'm starting

2020 was a year filled with new experience, new online colleagues, new routine and many more! Though it feels short, because of Covid-19 and I spent most of my time at home, 2020 is still a year that I can ponder about.

I thought I would be somewhere I wasn't familiar with, but instead I am at where I'm the most comfortable. I'm surrounded by my family and people I fancy with. I got connected with my childhood friends. I got to meet my schoolmates too around mid July. I met many great people, and got inspired from many! I started writing and journaling this year, and it helped me a lot.

Somehow all these little things made me feel content. Because I don't know if this is possible in the future. Now that I'm a year older, I have more works to do, and more things to focus on. 

Cheers to many more memories in 2021!

On the darker side, my mental health got tested this year. I was stressed, depressed. I hated myself. Surviving every single day was hard, and I have trouble sleeping at night. But hey, Alhamdulillah for these tests. I thought I had it worst, but I managed to stand on my feet back again. 

Some relationship of mine got disconnected this year, all for a reason that now I'm trying to improve. I have so many goals for 2021, and one of them is to improve myself even more. 

I'm gonna love people who love me, who takes me seriously. I'm gonna focus on myself, and only do good to others. 

Oh 2021, please offer me only wonderment! Road to a better me, in shaa Allah <3

dreams and hopes

I dreamed for a better world,

but the world despised me.

Or should I say,

the better world was never for me 

at first.

Therefore,

I hoped for a better me;

stronger and bolder,

smarter and happier.

So I could change the world

beyond what I dreamed of.

Past.

Today, I did a lot of reflection. What did I do, why did I do that etc etc. Everything is everywhere in my mind and I hate it when my mind started to have negative thoughts. 

I am changing, towards the better, but I guess the past me will always be unforgettable for some people. 

O Rain;

I wish the rain can wash away many things.

I wish it can wash away all the negativity that is in me,

just like how the rain pours, cleansing the adulterated earth.

I talk too much

It is late at night, and somehow, I started to muhasabah my own self. I must've been annoying today, am I ? I swear I talked too much today. I think everyone must've thought that I'm such an attention seeker, or a clout chaser. Oh I shouldn't say that to her ! Why did I acted like that, I must've been crazy !

All these thoughts just keep crossing in my mind, and I can't sleep at all. Why did I keep regretting everything that happens, but end up doing the same thing all over again ? I hate myself for not changing. I hate myself for being me.

But from all things, I know I shouldn't talk too much. Because words are like swords, it can kills if we sway it wrong. Just how many times I messed up just because of how talkative I am ? 

Maybe it's time for a change. Though changing is hard, I hope I can.